WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT CONTENT: 18+ ONLY
Sexuality shouldn’t feel like a chore.
Or empty, or like a duty, or repetitive and dull.
But for many of the couples I work with, this is the situation they find themselves in. They crave connection and sexual intimacy, but find that when the time for the act comes, it’s just that- an act, a thing that must be done.
Why does this happen, and what can be done to resolve it and bring back that closeness and passion?
It’s about a misunderstanding between partners. Just like partners have their own Gary Chapman Love Langauges, people have "sex languages"- a style of sexuality that makes them feel most fulfilled.
In most cases, I’ve found that it’s definitely not for a lack of love or a lack of sexual skill or interest, but rather due to a disconnection in the type of sexual activity that each partner wants or understands. By “type of sexual activity,” I’m not speaking of kink here- we’ll talk about that later. I’m talking about sex versus lovemaking.
For those who have come to be a bit avoidant of sex, and that avoidance isn’t due to trauma or other relationship concerns that block the desire for connection, it’s often that sex has become very chore-like. One finds time for it on the calendar, makes preparation for the kids to be away and hopes they won’t feel too tired from work that day to have the energy, and then engages in the set-up for the chore: the showering, the shaving, tidying the bedroom. Then follows the actual act in a way that is somewhat predictable, mechanical, and efficient, with the end goal of orgasm in mind. And then it’s done and it’s time to move on to something else.
It doesn’t need to be like this, and though many many people sense that there is something beyond that and crave it, they don’t know how to express that craving and materialize the connection they need.
Let’s first explore the connection through sex as a mechanical act. Sex is something fun that is physical and physically feels good. If your goal is reaching the physical outcome of climax in a direct, efficient and powerful way, you are likely having sex. If intimacy is defined by the achievement of orgasm and the joy of it, and activities that don’t directly lead to it are eschewed or downplayed, you are likely having sex.
Sex is great! Sex can be fun, tension relieving, fast, and without complicated emotional undertones. For some people, though, sex is still very intimate and emotional and connecting, and they don’t need lovemaking to feel close. Sometimes the simplicity of sex can be freeing and more passionate than lovemaking. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex, and I encourage my couples to engage in it as they feel it fits their needs.
The difficulty with sex is that it can become predictable in its sequence of events meant lead up to achieve a goal, and that one can become very goal-focused to the neglect of all else. There are usually patterns/techniques that work best for achieving orgasm for each person, and if your focus is on that outcome, you’ll repeatedly do what works to get there most efficiently, setting up a predictable routine of events. Sex is also is body dependent. If you have ED, a long refractory period, are on psychiatric or other meds that decrease libido or make orgasm difficult to achieve, sex can be downright frustrating and even create performance insecurity or pressure to fake an orgasm.
Lovemaking, on the other hand, downplays physical orgasm in favor of emotional connection. Lovemaking can be passionate or calm, fast-paced with clothes thrown off and landing on lampshades, or be a focused, hour-long partner-worshipping massage. When couples make love, there is a deeper focus on holding eye contact and things such as kissing and holding hands during the physical acts, and it often is accompanied by compliments, verbal reassurances of love, questions, discussions, and the sharing of fantasies and insecurities and needs. For every joy of the body there is one of the soul!
Wonderfully, these two types of sex can be combined, too. Sometimes people will find themselves sexually pent up and just needing to “get off” before they can be more emotionally available to their partner in the mindful way that lovemaking requires. As the refractory period is doing its thing, there is a great opportunity to cuddle, tease, massage, share porn, share secrets, and engage in touch that is sexual but not intended to create climax. The whole body is an erogenous zone, in my opinion, and necks, shoulders and breasts do not have a refractory period!
So, whatever does one talk about during lovemaking? Certainly not whose turn it is to do the laundry after you're done! Try things such as:
Would you like to watch us in the mirror? What position is hottest?
When I cuddle you, what position is most comforting after a bad day?
Can you take my hand and show me what kind of speed and pressure of touch you like?
Hey, you’re a great partner. You not only were there for me on Tuesday during my meltdown, but you give great oral.
What “flavor” of orgasm did you have? (Chocolate mousse; birthday cake; champagne; cherries…)
When do you feel sexy when we’re together? How can I give you more of those times?
You have the most graceful, long, swanlike neck and I love kissing it.
You make me feel so enveloped and safe when you’re on top.
Would you feel safe or excitedly scared if I were to try tying you up?
Do you want a lighter or harder massage? I want to melt the tension out of you.
Do you remember that awesome time when we….
When I fantasize about us I think about…
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